The Art of Surrender
In my life, there has been one constant driving force. It has been behind every decision I have made, whether it’s been acknowledged or ignored. Until recently…
Until I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that it’s just a farce – a fraudulent belief that has served no other purpose than anxiety, stress and disappointment in myself and others.
Control.
Much akin to the seven deadly sins, I attribute this along with attachment, validation and belonging to a series of misconstrued belief systems that reside in the underbelly of my very sense of identity.
That which I attach myself to is a representation of all that I am.
False.
That which I seek from others enlightens me to all of who I am.
False.
Those of whom I belong to determines all of my worth.
False.
But the greatest of all grand misconceptions and lies is control. For I have always believed that all that I control determines my value, my worth and my dignity.
False. False. False.
In your 40’s, you begin to really understand that trauma is not quantified by the obvious. It is not simply defined by a series of events that have happened to you in your life. It is not the fault of others or circumstances beyond our control.
It stems from a deeply rooted belief system that governs our thoughts and movements through life.
For every time these beliefs are challenged, we are traumatized into acknowledging that something is off; that something is not right; that perhaps we don’t have the answers.
That we don’t, in fact, have control over anything other than one simple truth.
We can only control our reactions to the things and people who enter our lives. We have no say in the delicate interwoven web that joins paths. We have no control or say over how another person lives their lives, experiences their experiences, interprets their lives.
It matters not what I think, believe or desire.
What matters is that I accept that which cannot be controlled, accept that detachment is the greatest tool toward enlightenment, remember that validation is seeking something from without rather than within, and that no two experiences are the same for no two people and one must honour what is in their experience.
I have always tried to control everything, from driving to life decisions.
I’m coming to the realization that this is a fundamentally incorrect way of living.
I have tried to define myself based on my ability to control everything so that what happens in my life can be carefully and meticulously placed in a neatly labelled box that makes perfect sense.
When I have no control, and cannot define the experience the way it suits me comfortably, nor place it accordingly, I become discombobulated. I lose my reference point and then my world turns on its axis.
And then I question all of it and become frustrated and angry… angry with myself and the world.
But what if that is not the way to play this game of life?
What if we woke up everyday and renewed our pact with the universe? Told her we would accept that and who comes our way with grace and dignity, a whole lot of humility, and a preparedness to accept that we don’t have the answers or control and must simply observe. Accept only the lesson and grace it with humble reverence and patience?
Patience with ourselves and others? Rather than seeking justifications, answers, validation, control and the ability to define every moment and place it in a box….we simply allow experiences and people to be and learn from our response the them?
We easily chant to the world that everyone comes into our lives to teach us something…but then when the lesson isn’t enjoyable or clear, we dismiss it and turn on it as if it is an attack. Say if it’s not? Say if your perception that that lesson must fit in your desire to define and validate your already existing belief system, and then it doesn’t, is not wrong? That it is precisely what it must be.
Growth comes from discomfort. It’s not the challenge itself, for that is simply the catalyst for action. It is the discomfort…the shadow place one must sit in and examine that allows for the growth.
What if it comes down to how you accept, react and detach from experiences (good and bad) that allows the flow of lesson after lesson to wash over you and bathe you with wisdom? That maybe, just maybe, when we try to control these events and qualify and quantify them, we stunt them and they get stuck. They don’t wash over you and as a result, you learn nothing, only anxiety and anger and confusion?
I have learned to appreciate patience; I have learned that nothing is learned in its entirety; I have learned that detaching one’s self from everyone and everything is the strongest connection one can nurture; I have learned that love and hate reside on the same coin, but holding space can be found on the grooves found on the outside of that very same coin…and it is only when that coin is upright that it can roll forward to its new destination.
Thank you P.B. I have and am still learning so much thanks to your presence in my life.
legacytms - Leave the Gun. Take the Cannoli. 