Toscana

October 5, 2018

With the arrival of the third little human in David and Sabrina’s world, she experienced a unique sense of completion. It was as if the circle was not quite complete until Samantha Toscana took her first breath and reminded her that everything in life was cyclical.

Birth is a metaphorical nod to the universe. A marker of the soul’s journey. The very first splash of colour on the canvas of one’s life. Matteo’s was a brushstroke of purple passion…the first in a succession of a family legacy that held the chords of history and lineage. Madison’s was a fiery red and orange brushstroke invoking the passion, angst and joy that only her spirit could breathe into their circle of love. But Samantha….Samantha was the rainbow. She carried forth the complete palate of hues that would allow for the completion of their masterpiece. She was yellow and pink, blue and green….white, the all encompassing absorber of light and colour. She was conceived in Tuscany where David and Sabrina held a lifetime of beautiful memories together. She was the symbol of their completion.

She was the sun. The sun to Sabrina’s moon and stars. She came into this world much like she would run her course in life. Fast, efficient, with no time to waste. Sabrina had the full fledge experience and honour of feeling every nuance of childbirth, in all its pain and glory. Samantha’s birth was a private affair and when she held her in her arms for the very first time, a breath Sabrina hadn’t noticed being held for an eternity finally escaped her parted lips and full lungs and brought a calmness to her soul.

But there was also a subtle shift in the air. As the weaving of family threads desperately tried to tighten and coil, a chord had loosened and was keeping everything unstable. There was an unnerving energy just below the surface that threatened to break through at any moment and Sabrina could feel it tugging at her heartstrings; nevertheless, happiness prevailed. Life moved forward with its mundane, everyday routines and Samantha would become the symbolic link to a love that had changed its course blindly and unexpectedly over time. She brought a calming peace to Sabrina’s world. She brought a sense of fragility and strength, love and fear, joy and growth. But no matter what she brought, change was coming like a silent storm brewing in the background.

2018

Sabrina was tired. Bone, soul, heart all equally exhausted. Completely depleted and numb to the core. The world felt like it was shattering around her and falling in a rainfall of broken shards of glass, slicing her with every piece. Sometimes the slices were superficial, others left behind gaping wounds. Some bled slowly, others deeply. Life was slowly seeping, dripping from her body and soul. This had gone on for far too long and although on the outside she projected the false image the world around her desperately clung to, denial and half truths turned to mirrors in the night hours reflecting a distorted image of her real truth. It is where and when Sabrina would fall apart. It was a time of dismantle, only to gather up the pieces the next morning to glue them together for appearance sake. Like a broken egg, she was glued back in a fragile attempt to appear whole for however long the world required her presence.

‘Mommy, can you lie down with me for a few minutes before going to bed?’

Truthfully, she was just so depleted, all she wanted to do was hide beneath her covers and escape into a world of dreams where she might get some peace. But one look into Samantha’s face and her heart pulled her body next to her baby girl’s. Curled up next to her, she found herself asking how the time had gone so fast. Where did it go? Samantha was becoming a young lady. Gone was the sparkle in her eye and the innocent bounce in her step. Cartwheels and dance moves around the house were far and few in between. She had slowly become another shell of an egg. She tried to be who she once was, but couldn’t hide the cracks from her mother. Sabrina would find traces and hints of her daughter’s beautiful soul hidden beneath the layers of her life’s heaviness in a letter to god she left hidden in a vase, or a letter to Santa left hidden in her room. Young lady and innocent child were at war with one another. Life had forced her to grow up too quickly. Having an older brother and sister chipped away at her innocent view of the world. Her only escape was infiltrating into her extended family’s worlds where children were still children and where she could forget.

‘You know I love you, right Mom?’

‘Of course, pumpkin. I love you too.’

Silence. Breathing. Snuggling a little closer with an arm draped around her mother’s neck.

‘No. I mean I really love you mom. You are the best mother anyone could ever ask for. How is your heart mom?’

Sabrina closed her eyes. She listened for her heart and felt the pull. Her heart was in pain. It was hurting. Crying. Thumping erratically. In that moment she had to choose between truth and half truths, yet again. It was a pivotal moment.

‘Hurts a little, but the heart is a beautiful muscle with its own little heart within. It will take time, but it will heal.’ She sighed. ‘I have you. That makes it better every single day.’

Closeness. Sabrina recognized in that moment that it was closeness that was fundamentally missing. As her children grew, the intimacy of holding onto each other, cuddling, resting one’s head on one’s lap were scarce. Everyone was creating their own little bubbles, rightfully so, but she yearned for the complete circle. The way she could wrap her arms literally and figuratively around her family…the circle that would envelop her life and her children. The way her and David would place the three in the middle and hold the barrier around them to keep them close and safe. Sabrina started to realize that as they grew, she was too small and too alone to effectively wrap her wings around them all to protect that circle.

The circle had been broken. In part as a rite of passage for the children who were now growing and coming into their own, and in part because David slowly let go. The chord was there, but it wasn’t strong any longer. It was changing. It was shifting and moving and there was very little Sabrina could do but hold on tight and be the one to keep the circle intact.

In the midst of all of this, Samantha was her ray of sunshine. For so long she was the smile. She was the laughter. She was the talkative, Miss Know It All performer of the family. She was the one who needed to hold her hand during the scary scenes in a movie, the one who would sneak into Sabrina’s bed at night just to hang out, the one who watched silently and knew just the right moment to touch her soul. Samantha was the Toscana of her mother’s heart and soul. The place of peace, beauty and food for the soul.

To be continued.